Category Archives: fashion

86. girls who can’t walk in their heels

this doesn’t just happen to drunk girls. this happens to, like, 1/3 of you.

take a tyra banks tip and practice before you take ’em out.

85. stacey london endorses mom jeans

stacey london co-hosts TLC’s what not to wear, and i’ve watched enough episodes of that shit to put it on my resume. that said, i can tell you with authority that this lady would bitch slap you if you came out of the dressing room wearing these jeans on her show.

if “fit and flatter” means cameltoe, i’m out.

84. cable knit sweaters

cable sweaters are unattractive

because nothing says “fuck me” like a cosby sweater.

75. fur vests

printed-fox-fur-intermixrachel zoe, we need to have a talk.

every time i see you wearing a fur vest or talking about how they’re “bananas,” or that they make you “die,” all i can think if is mr. burns singing the seminal simpsons classic, see my vest.

while i’m sure a baboon’s chest vest would be bananas, i don’t think this is quite what you had in mind.

i’m glad we had this talk.

71. american apparel

Picture 10fashion-wise, i’m well aware that the 80s are back, but my feeling is, if you’re encouraging people to dress like olivia newton john, you basically deserve to die a firey death. or get sued by woody allen.

69. email critiques

PRZ-007376i take criticism at work very seriously.

if there’s a problem, yo, i’ll solve it.

but i swear to god, if i get one more phone call that starts, “why did/didn’t you say x to the client?” when i just spoke to you about what i was going to write to the client, i am going to have a motherfucking conniption. if you want me to say something specific, tell me, or write it yourself. or leave me alone to do my work like a capable adult who earned a degree from a respectable university.

photo of vanilla ice from back in the day, because he reminds me that someone in the world always has it worse than you do.

(nice pants.)

68. colored contacts

SP_A0083joel mchale said it best on his “thank you for the pool” standup tour this summer. i paraphrase heavily:

“when you wear colored contacts, no one will hear a word you say, because all they will be thinking is ‘sweet jesus, what is wrong with your eyes?'”

but hey, at least it’s not an eye tattoo, right?