Category Archives: gross

85. stacey london endorses mom jeans

stacey london co-hosts TLC’s what not to wear, and i’ve watched enough episodes of that shit to put it on my resume. that said, i can tell you with authority that this lady would bitch slap you if you came out of the dressing room wearing these jeans on her show.

if “fit and flatter” means cameltoe, i’m out.

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84. cable knit sweaters

cable sweaters are unattractive

because nothing says “fuck me” like a cosby sweater.

82. people who sit in cowboy stance in cramped quarters on the train

people who sit with their legs wide apart on the subway (aka man sitting) drive me crazy

i wanted to sit down, but thanks for the maneltoe show instead.

78. TMI facebook status updates

Picture 10

dear grade school friend who friended me on facebook,

i really, really didn’t need to know that you got boned this morning.

xo
me

71. american apparel

Picture 10fashion-wise, i’m well aware that the 80s are back, but my feeling is, if you’re encouraging people to dress like olivia newton john, you basically deserve to die a firey death. or get sued by woody allen.

70. getting gravel in your shoes

feeti know that long island is made for lazies and paraplegics isn’t made for walkers, but i think that in my half-mile schlep from the bus stop to work, i get about 35 pieces of gravel in my ballet flats each time. and try as i might, those sharp fuckers will just not come out with the shake of the slipper; i have to stop, remove my shoe, dig out the pieces while balancing on one foot, and avoid getting hit by cars (as my path isn’t actually a sidewalk, it’s a series of parking lots).

this, of course, never works, and my first step is always punctuated with the sharp pain of stepping on yet another undiscovered rock.

69. email critiques

PRZ-007376i take criticism at work very seriously.

if there’s a problem, yo, i’ll solve it.

but i swear to god, if i get one more phone call that starts, “why did/didn’t you say x to the client?” when i just spoke to you about what i was going to write to the client, i am going to have a motherfucking conniption. if you want me to say something specific, tell me, or write it yourself. or leave me alone to do my work like a capable adult who earned a degree from a respectable university.

photo of vanilla ice from back in the day, because he reminds me that someone in the world always has it worse than you do.

(nice pants.)