89. cancer

unicorn shoots lasers out of its nose to kill cancer

what a bitch.

88. people who text you pointless one word replies

i hate short text messages

that smiley face just cost me $0.20, asshat.

87. death stares from cosi employees

what part of “hi, how are you?” and “may i please have a sandwich? here, i have some money” warrants a fucking attitude from every fucking employee at every fucking cosi i’ve ever been to?

i’ve taken the liberty of editing their hourly employee application — let me know if i missed anything:

suggestions for changing the cosi employment application

see detail:

are you physically capable of shooting death lasers out of your eyes?

86. girls who can’t walk in their heels

this doesn’t just happen to drunk girls. this happens to, like, 1/3 of you.

take a tyra banks tip and practice before you take ’em out.

saturday cease-fire #12: fat dogs in costumes


i realize that thisĀ  probably qualifies as animal abuse, but it’s SO G.D. CUTE.

85. stacey london endorses mom jeans

stacey london co-hosts TLC’s what not to wear, and i’ve watched enough episodes of that shit to put it on my resume. that said, i can tell you with authority that this lady would bitch slap you if you came out of the dressing room wearing these jeans on her show.

if “fit and flatter” means cameltoe, i’m out.

84. cable knit sweaters

cable sweaters are unattractive

because nothing says “fuck me” like a cosby sweater.